magical shop place thing

The outside of the small shop was painted black, framed on each side by huge brightly coloured department stores. It was almost completely unnoticeable, and Bo was pretty sure he wouldn’t have seen it at all if his father hadn’t stared him towards it. They approached a wooden side door, on which a small metal plaque read the words “Psychics for the faint minded.” 

Bo’s father pushed the door open and they passed through a string curtain, the beads rattling like an unintentional bell. It took Bo’s eyes a moment to adjust to the semi darkness and the strong smell of avocado as he entered. The room was small and low ceilinged, and it was hard to make out exactly what the strange shiny metal instruments strewn around were. There were large muffled shapes obscured by sheets in all corners, and tall wax dripping candlesticks had been placed on every possible surface, their flickering flames projecting long distorted shadows across the curtain covered walls. On the shelves were an array of unusual objects- melted dolls heads, colourful striped pot plants, painted skulls, and even small bottles of teeth.

As they moved across the room, He heard funny sliding sounds and it became clear that they were not alone. Just then, a strange crooked beetle came into view. It was tall and hunched, with long folds of skin draping off it almost to the floor and huge round eyes that peered luminously out of their sockets.

 But the more Bo looked at it the more it became clear that it was not a beetle at all, but a weird looking old person covered in quite a lot of shawls.  They stood there for a moment before the person finally spoke. However, it was not the noise that Bo had been expecting, but a small strangled gasp that came in the form of words. “How can I help you?” 

“Um – Bo Dines to see doctor shelby please.” said his father, as if in an effort to remain calm.

 “Yes that is me.” the doctor replied, and they followed him past a shelf of spotty eggs to the other side of the room.

2 Comments

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Hi Hana,

Here is some feedback.

Watch your punctuation and capital letters. There are errors starting to creep into your work at times.
Focus on the description of the shop itself. There is more detail that can be added about what is in the shop. Make it so your reader can truly experience the shop.
You are doing a little bit of telling, rather than showing. Try making your piece more active so that it becomes a living, breathing visual for your reader.

Good work.

Mr Johnson

HI Hana,

In addition to the previous feedback,

It is difficult to visualise your shop as there is little description of it. Focus on bringing it to life through the sights, sounds, smells etc.
Be certain that your word choices reflect your intention.
Read your work out loud to hear how some of your sentences sound.

Mr Johnson

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